autumn

There are cobwebs and tree leaves on our front and back porches. This morning, I sat on our back porch, stunned by the cold, and smoked a clove cigarette a drank a cup of coffee. The morning was still and quiet and mine. Autumn has taken over our lives and our thoughts. We're getting ready for Halloween, we're wearing sweaters and hats, coffee has become the biggest joy in life as I sip it early in the morning, with slanting beams of sunlight coming through the window warming my feet.

Working with kids at school gives me even more nostalgia about the season. It's such a cool time of year to be a kid. You're finally getting settled in to the monotonous routine of school, the summer time blues have finally congealed from the cold and the colors of autumn leaves give you endless thoughts of being able to fly around with the leaves on windy days. The smell of crayons and freshly sharpened pencils brings me back to forever ago when I was a kid. Back when I never wondered where life would take me and I depended so much on my mom that it was sometimes frightening. It brings me back to last year when I first started working at MIS. The cold mornings on the S-Bahn, seeing Leah on the train and getting such a thrill to be seeing her and having in bring a smile to my frozen face.

Not to mention two years ago, walking to the coffee shop, living in my first apartment with nothing but a single mattress on the floor, a lamp in the corner and a case of beer in the fridge. Every fall I get the sense that my thoughts and my life in general are nothing but leaves blowing through the empty streets or some forgotten corner of the woods. Clichés are the only things that come to mind when I write for what is there to say about fall that hasn't already been said? Memories of marching band practice, football games, high school, sitting on the front porch in Chatham with 40's of Ice House, smoking cigarettes, freezing our asses off. Then I try to think about good memories I had with my family in the fall and I draw a blank.

Which brings us up to date. My family in Roanoke. Tuesday night, family made deer burgers and spiked hot apple cider. We ate and sat on the front porch gripping our hot mugs and breathing in the steam that smelled like apples, cinnamon, smoke and whiskey. The smell alone warmed my entire being and being with friends elevated that feeling to pure autumnal ecstacy. Even though I'm not making enough money, I'm not working enough hours, I'm not alone and I find comfort in that. Rather than roll over and die, I've decided to cut back as much as I can. No extra purchases, if I can help it. I bought 26 dollars in groceries and 15 dollars in gas. That should last me for at least another week and a half. We're all pitching in, cooking, shopping when we can and selling as many of our possessions on Amazon as we can. I mean, who needs a copy of Legally Blonde when you can't make ends meet? Welcome to fall. Welcome to the new economy.