And one last thanks...

I'm sitting in the new office working on my book for class and John's in the music room playing and singing on guitar. He's playing all kinds of music that I got to know very well while I was in Charlottesville, or around that time.  That time was, I think, the hardest time of my life. I was very alone and very scared. I don't think I understood what the words 'alone' or 'scared' felt like till then ---- what the words represent to their fullest meanings.... I hope I never know it again. But, that music (lots of Wilco and Ryan Adams - among others) got me through that time. So until now, although I love the music, I've always been a little somber when I hear it because it reminds me of such a sad time. 

Listening to him playing it now makes me happy. I'm so overwhelmed with love and gratitude for the people who have stood by me through that horrible time --- which is finally over. (as cheesy as it sounds...) And who gave me beautiful friendships, family and memories during a time when it seemed like nothing could be beautiful. I don't need to be sad for it anymore, because it's time to leave it where it belongs: in that apartment in Charlottesville, in a relationship that was broken when it started, in the past. 

Lately I've been sleeping so weird, waking up numerous times during the night, having 'waking dreams' where I hear what's going on around me and sometimes see the window or ceiling by my bed... maybe my eyes are open part of the time. I had decided that the bed was in a bad place... Feng shui... maybe it is. But, it's probably my mind working through this last step of letting go. I've always worked things out in my sleep, with my dreams. I am clearly (at least to myself) affected each day by what happened to me each night. So, it only makes since that I take this last plunge overnight. I may be a little tired, but it's worth it. 

So, if I'm a little odd the next few weeks, if I cry at a song or act like a bitch in the morning. If I shut the door and don't come out for an hour or two, don't return your call, or space out during family dinner nights, I'm just making that last step. 

And this is one last thanks to ALL of you who have held my hand through everything.

thanks.

"What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories."